this weekend somebody told me something that could have totally changed the last two years if only they had told me before. its put me in a weird mood because right now i would love to change the last two years.
Sometimes you hold these secrets that you hope and pray that no one will ever find out and then all of a sudden you aren’t sure why you were hiding them. all of a sudden you feel like a bit of an idiot to have hidden these feelings so well (no one suspected you, did they? surely not...) and you wish you had just been honest from the start and then two years down the line you don’t feel like your missing someone to death that you hardly know and who can never miss you like this, and after everything you told them and you knew it was a lie because yes, you did feel like that once, only it was towards him and if he ever found out the truth he would run scared and all the work you put in to being regarded as an acquaintance, let alone a friend would have been for nothing.
not even your closest friends know you ever felt this way, hardly know that this person existed because if you start to admit it all (even talk about him!), it would be harder to deal with and isnt easier to be in denial (no i dont feel like this... im imagining it and who are you to tell me different)?? And then in what they think is a drunken stupid moment that they probably don’t remember anyway they say something really small and insignificant in comparison to how you once felt but no matter how drunk they were (and you know they were.. even though in your dreams they were completely sober and it was completely heart felt and not gin-inspired) or how small the comment it has switched something on in your head its released something, opened the flood gates and now its all coming out and no matter what you do to distract yourself (the house is so clean and tidy its beyond belief the fridge and freezer are full of homemade soup, pie, crumbles, stuffing (with sage grown in your little garden) and biscuits, You’ve finished three books and listened to your favorite records 16 or 17 times each) its all coming out and you’ve hidden it for to long and you want to run and scream 'IT WAS YOU , YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE THAT SO LONG AGO AND I COULD NEVER HAVE YOU , YOU IDIOT, WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THIS A LONG TIME AGO?!?!?!?'
then you get embarrassed, want to hide again, don’t know what to say, feel ashamed of yourself. Once you even tried your hardest to cut this person out of your life (and you did so well.. you didnt contact them for so long.. and you knew there email address didnt you? and you knew where there website was didnt you? and you even visited it a few times didnt you? and you could have called them, and you tried once or twice...) and then in one moment when you thought life was going well and you didnt think these feelings were there anymore you left him a note and tested him. (and he passed didnt he jenni?? he contacted you and was happy to hear from you...) but it was ok because you had moved on and no longer felt you had anything to hide and could be on a level again (if you ever were) and be friends and for it to not mean what it meant last time. (not that your friendship was ever a lie but you weren’t completely honest were you?... well it turns out neither was he...)
So what do you do Jenni? you make a tapes and you write it all down and you know after this he will feel weird and you will be ashamed and he will be out of your life again and that hurts a little bit more than last time because you had gotten use to the idea of him being involved again even if it was via email and text message and wasn’t particularly 'real' and he even helped you understand a mess you were in and you fooled yourself that you didn’t really mind that much anymore and you were happy he was happy (as he can be, as he usually is) and it was genuine happiness for him.
When, dear, will you quit me?
when will someone fix me? you can only stay awake another night reliving a memory that was from so long ago it starting to fade (but he was touching you and you were touching him and it was cold and he was warm.....
and i want to call you and tell you 'Fuck You!' and mean it. (but i dont).
